- Anonymous -
(Below is an actual email, which speaks for itself. Learn from this for your own sake.)
I stumbled upon your website last night... I read your creed page and thought that it was spectacular, after all, it is very rare that you can find something or someone, that truly reflects the Spirit of God. I have a 25 year thorn in the flesh, perhaps even far worse than a thorn in the flesh, I can not be for sure in such a dark and confused state.
Just after turning 20 years old back in the spring of ____ I took a train ride from Chicago to St Louis to visit my mothers side of the family. Although my mom and dad had absolutely no faith in Jesus, my moms two brothers and three sisters were all Bible carrying believers. I was only suppose to visit for a week, but that week turned into almost 5 months. I had a dream of going to heaven and hell one night in the month of April, which I did not remember until three days after. On _________, I finally cracked and faced the fact that there truly was a Great Creator out there somewhere, and I wanted to know Him.
My life completely and dramatically changed, I flushed the drugs I brought down with me, I quit drinking alcohol, I developed no need for a girlfriend and had no desire to masturbate either. Foul language disappeared overnight... I even ceased to use the name of our Holy God in vain. In short, the pagan shrines fell down!
My conversion was a profound one and obvious to all those that knew me. After returning to Chicago in August of that year, several of my friends turned their lives over to the rule of Jesus, God was now using me to salvage others. All I did was work, spend my time in prayer, read my Bible, and hang out at the churches I loved so dearly. After a couple years the true colors of the churches I frequented began to show, God began to show me all of their short-fallings and I slowly pulled away.
The thing that disturbs me greatly is that in the spring of ____, just after returning from a three month mission trip to Mexico city, I met a girl through a worldly friend of mine. She began to like me very much, before the summer I had unwittingly traded in my 'first love' for this girl of the world. I soon had a child out of wedlock with her and according to Leviticus 26 and Deuteronomy 28, God began to punish me for my waywardness. Within 2 years she had left me and we have never had a healthy relationship since. After feeling the tremendous pain that the hand of God brought upon me, you would think that my heart would have learned its lessons and turned back to 'Him that loves and does not lust,' but I did not turn back with all my heart, and soon was led away to sin again.
A year and a half later I met another beautiful girl that took a strong liking to me, she was a wonderful person but also void of God's Spirit. we moved in together and had three children together, just short of seven years later, the lord brought a whirlwind of destruction back into my life, she found someone else and discarded me.
Again, you would think that after feeling the blows from a loving Father that cares far beyond our understanding, I would have took up the prodigal role and come back, but I only did so half heartedly. When I review my old journals from those years, some are very moving to me, but most are self-centered prayers for God's "physical or relational" blessings within my life. Basically, I was asking back for what the Lord had taken away, where as these days I desire far more His Spiritual Blessings, (the Holy Spirits Holiness and His Power to overcome the devil) than I do those things the flesh craves.
To make a longer story shorter, I will just say that I have been through many other great pains beside these, mostly health related, and I truly believe that this has been brought upon me because of my sins of rebellion, being lukewarm, and leaving off my 'True Love'
.... Mind you, that during these 25 years of spiritual roller coaster rides, I have always prayed for God to deliver me from myself and the evil within, to make me holy as He is Holy, to develop within me a new heart. I have never thought God to be at fault for any mistakes or any injustice, I have always realized that I deserve everything that has come upon me, perhaps far more....
In the past few months I have been getting some panic attacks due to the stress of entertaining the thought that perhaps God has pulled away from me. It just seems to me that 25 years of spiritual desire and a famished gain is unacceptable to Him. I feel as if I was given several talents and I went and buried them all. Thank You for your website,
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