When Death Deals a Heavy Blow

What about suicide?

When my dear, sweet Mattie was called away to heaven, I went through a period of mental and emotional upheaval, beyond anything I had ever experienced before. Mattie was a rare personality, and a saint of God. We had been married but a few weeks when she said to me, "I've never been mad in my life and I don't know how it feels."

For many weeks after she was taken, I didn't want to live. Many times, in prayer, I begged God to take me also, but in His divine providence He saw things differently. Many times in life, God does not see things the way we see them. That is because our wisdom is finite, but His is infinite. I found out that one doesn't always think straight when his heart is being plowed and harrowed. Sometimes, our most kind Heavenly Father, in His infinite wisdom and love, finds it necessary, for our good, and His glory, to treat our hearts as a farmer treats his fields before planting, even when we cannot understand.

A very dear, young friend of mine, facing certain death, and undergoing a long extended suffering which was so intense that only morphine would bring a temporary measure of relief, said: "We don't have to understand."

For weeks following Mattie's promotion, I was so distraught with mental and emotional anguish and despair, that I lost interest in everything in this world that I had, for so long, been attached to. I had come to the place in life when I was not able to relate to anything that resembled a future, except heaven. It seemed that every cup in life, except the cup of suffering, seemed empty. For a period of time I failed to remind myself that there are millions right now in the world a thousand times worse off than I am, and I should be thankful. It also seemed for a time to evade me, that God never does anything without a purpose, and that "all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose" (Rom. 8:28).

There were a few times when the feeling of utter despair gripped me so relentlessly that I knew I would take my life if it were not for some things about the judgment, and heaven and hell, and eternity, that held me in check, with God's help also. I realize now that that was the very thing that the devil wanted me to do. He thought he was going to win out. I wanted only to escape the anguish and gloom of it all, but not into something a million times worse, and a million times longer, when it is only getting started. I wondered where God was when this trial was at its worst? Where was my Saviour? Where was our Comforter? the Holy Spirit? Finally the thought came to me: Where was God when Christ was suspended between heaven and earth with nails through his hands and feet? When he cried out with anguish so abysmally deep, that no other human has ever sounded that depth: "My God, My God, what hast thou forsaken me?" It is no wonder the Father hid His face. He endured it as long as He could.

One mother asked her pastor: "Where was God when my son died?" Her very wise pastor simply asked in reply: "Where was He when His Son died?" God finally got it across to me, though it took time, that death can be more rewarding than life -- both the death of our carnal depravity, unto purity, and the departure from this world into heaven, where God lives.

My retirement years were intended largely for study and prayer, but for a few days following her funeral, I discovered that I could not pray and feel that I was getting through to God. Prayer seemed like talking into a dead phone. However, I kept "praying at it" and in a few days my praying came back to normal.

I was in the seventh month before I could concentrate enough to "buckle down" and study. My first real project, besides writing personal letters to friends, was to finish writing my second book, which I had started a long time back, and shape it up for publication. I thank God every time I think of it that I am now able to study, pray, and write.

Now, let's back up for a few weeks, in this account, to the evening of September 25th, of this year. It was about ten-thirty in the evening. The feelings of anguish and despair became so much greater than anything I had ever known before, that I feared I was losing my mind. That possibility frightened me dreadfully. I had never before been so terrified in my life. I realized it was an onslaught of Satan. I was sure he was trying to get to my soul, and break my contact with God by destroying my mind. I had served Christ for more than sixty-five years, and Satan would love nothing better than to switch me off, when I am this near to the end of my probationary period here on earth. I felt that eternity was at stake, my soul was in the balance, and I was losing the fight. I had been experiencing spells of despair and gloom, to some measure, for some time, but nothing like this. I knew the devil was pushing me to the brink. Could it be possible that I was that near to being a raving maniac? I felt it coming on. I had to have help from heaven and I had to have it now. I knew I dare not stay in the house another minute. One more minute could be too late. I knew that if I went too far down that road, I would never get back. I had to break the grip of this Satanic devastation, and only God could help me, but I couldn't seem to feel Him or touch Him. I knew I could not stay safely in the house another minute, the way things were going. Out in the driveway I walked back and forth, for a while -- I don't know how long. I couldn't pray, but I had been told that, if at times one can't pray, try praise. So I walked back and forth repeating over and over and over, "Glory be to the Father; Glory be to the Son; Glory be to the Holy Ghost." I knew the moment the Holy Spirit came and Satan left. I had never known such relief from such despair. Back in the house, every bit of the storm was over. There was no lingering fear, no anxiety, no frustration, no worry -- not even the slightest trace of what had happened. I prayed normally, and slept soundly all night. My soul was rescued "... from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence" (Psalms 91:3).

From that awful night until this present hour my praying has undergone a change such as I have never experienced before. There are now many times when the glory floods my soul, until I walk back and forth in this little house and pray and cry and laugh and shout, with none but God to hear me. And I know He loves to hear me. The ecstasy of His presence, until one's soul is transported with holy delight is a precious experience. It is the next thing to being "out of this world." I love it so good that I pray every day that it will never be taken from me before God reaches down and takes me to His home beyond the blue, where every redeemed soul will be possessed of holy ecstasy which will be many times greater than our finite capacity, here in this world, could ever contain, and it will continue forever.

"Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when He shall appear, we shall be like Him; for we shall see Him as He is. And every man that hath this hope in him purifieth himself, even as he is pure" (I John 3:2,3).

This is from "A Wesleyan Ladies View of Heaven and Hell" by Robert Young.

Dying Words of the Saved:

"The chariot has come, and I am ready to step in." -- Jordan Antle
"Eternity rolls up before me like a sea of glory." -- Margaret Prior
"How bright the room! how full of angels!" -- Martha McCrackin
"Oh, how beautiful! The opening heavens around me shine." -- Philip Heck
"The next time I sing will be when Jesus folds me in His arms." -- Shoeblack Jim
"I wish I had the power of writing; I would describe how pleasant it is to die." -- Dr. Cullen
"The sun is setting; mine is rising. I go from this bed to a crown. Farewell." -- S. B. Bangs
"Can this be death? Why, it is better than living! Tell them I die happy in Jesus." -- John Arthur Lyth
"I am in perfect peace, resting alone on the blood of Christ. I find this amply sufficient to enter the presence of God with. " -- Trotter
"Oh, that I could tell you what joy! I possess! I am full of rapture. The Lord doth shine with such power upon my soul. He is come! He is come!" -- Mrs. Mary Frances

Please visit The overcomer's inheritance or
New Jerusalem or
Heaven: it's real and it can be yours

Dying Words of the Lost:

"All my possessions for a moment of time!" -- Queen Elizabeth
"I am suffering the pangs of the damned." -- Talleyrand Perigord
"Give me more laudanum that I may not think of eternity." -- Mirabeau
"The devil is ready to seduce us, and I have been seduced." -- Cromwell
"I am abandoned by God and man! I shall go to hell! O Christ! O Jesus Christ!" -- Voltaire
"What blood, what murders, what evil counsels have I followed! I am lost; I see it well!" -- King Charles IX of France
"I would give worlds, if I had them, if the ‘Age of Reason' had never been published. O Lord, help me! Christ, help me! Stay with me! It is hell to be left alone!" -- Tom Paine
"Oh, that I was to lie a thousand years, upon the fire that never is quenched to purchase the favor of God, and be reunited to Him again! But it is a fruitless wish. Millions of millions of years will bring me no nearer to the end of my torments than one poor hour. Oh, eternity, eternity! forever and forever! Oh, the insufferable pangs of hell!" -- Sir Francis Newport

Please visit Those thrown into eternal fire or
Hell and who goes there or
The Lake of Fire