I Thought I Had Jesus

Sister Royleen


I grew up going to Church and Sunday School and I don't remember a time I didn't believe in Jesus. However, despite all the hours I spent in these religious places, I never learned that I could be in relationship with Jesus, communicate with Him, or know Him through His Word. I believed that because I "believed in Jesus" that I would go to heaven when I died.

It wasn't until I was 34ish that a very dear friend told me I needed Jesus. I thought I had Jesus, despite living with my husband before we were married, and a multitude of other sins. God in His mercy was drawing me to Himself at that time, and I got down on my knees one day and gave Him my life. I started going to a church and it wasn't until I'd been there for over a year, that someone preached on Psalm 119, ‘Thy Word is a Lamp to my feet, and a Light to my path'. I started realizing what the Bible was actually for! It was again some time later before I heard a message on the return of Christ. I hadn't known He was coming back. I decided this was serious.

Over a period of 10 or so years I have tried to understand salvation. I asked many people their views on whether or not we can lose our salvation; I continuously asked God for truth in this area; and I listened to every preacher there was on the subject, as well as reading every book I could get my hands on. I felt I didn't have a firm foundation if I didn't understand salvation. Even though I loved God, and tried to walk with Him in obedience every day, I felt confused because I didn't know what to believe. It was very hard to share my faith because of this ....

I now attend a very small country church where ... repentance and righteousness are preached. It is extremely hard/almost impossible in fact, to find a church where truth is proclaimed. By the grace and mercy of God, this year, He opened my eyes to the truth of salvation. A big part of that was thanks to the questions chapter, available on your website, from The Believer's Conditional Security book. When I read and studied those questions, I knew the answers I had been seeking for many years had been found. Even before I received the books I sent to you for, my confusion had been lifted.

I find I now read my Bible with the pre conceived ideas that had formed through false teaching gone; and I am so excited by the Word of God, despite knowing I could lose my salvation. I am afraid to allow even the slightest sin, i.e. resentment, self pity etc. It is much easier to resist these sins when the fear of God is much greater in my life. I am now able to share my faith, and have done so. People have asked me what is different about me, and others have commented on the boldness I now have. Also, I have been healed of depression and am experiencing the ‘joy of the Lord' in a marvellous way. All because of truth. All because of God's amazing grace.

Just before God opened my eyes to these truths, I had felt He wanted me to confess to a few people that I was in need of prayer, and also that I suffered from depression. These are things I have not shared even with my family. I have a strong sense that because I confessed these sins, out of obedience to God, and these faithful people prayed ( privately) for me; that God sent His healing.

Do not ever give up seeking truth. It took me a very long time, but praise our wonderful God, He has set me free from confusion to believe truth.

Something beautiful,
Something good,
All my confusion ... He understood,
All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife,
and He made, something beautiful out of my life.

He gave me beauty for ashes,
the oil of joy for mourning,
the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness,
that we might be trees of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord,
that He might be Glorified!

Thank you for your love of the Truth.


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