Not only that I am so thankful to God and Christ for my life and my family I feel like I am slapping them in the face. The thing that scares me the most is that I might not want to stop looking at porn. I do not know what to do.
Bible Answer: Greetings in Jesus' name. Thank you for your email and your candid openness regarding the sin of pornography. After carefully reading your email, I want you to know that there are bits of truth and error mixed in together. You said "I am trapped by my own lust." You are absolutely right. The bible teaches sin enslaves and traps people which is what has occurred to you and all other people that do not have salvation. Please read John 8:32-36. The good news is: regardless what the sin addiction may be: pornography, drugs, etc., the blood of Jesus and the power of God will set you free. The word of God has the answer for you and that answer is to repent and put your faith in Jesus. The faith you need to have in Jesus is a submissive faith.
In other words, you must be willing to turn from your idols which are dragging you to Hell and turn to the Lord to serve him. To repent means to turn from wickedness. If you are willing to do this, and God knows your heart, right in your bedroom, car, etc., you can call out to God and sincerely ask for mercy and forgiveness and help with what has been confusing and bringing shame to your heart and he will change things for you. The bible is true and God is alive. The Scriptures are just as relevant in our so-called modern day as they were thousands of years ago, for they deal with the heart of man--sin and Almighty God which has never changed. So this is the answer to your last sentence where you wrote, "I do not know what to do." The bible tells you what to do. Ponder what Jesus taught about pornography in these two Scriptures:
But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. (Mat 5:28,29)That is what the Lord has to say about the seriousness of this sin. You must come to the place where you hate sin to find salvation:
For the director of music. Of David the servant of the LORD. An oracle is within my heart concerning the sinfulness of the wicked: There is no fear of God before his eyes. For in his own eyes he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin. (Psa 36:1,2)Dear friend, please write back and tell us how things are going and what you are going to do with the truth of God. Your soul is your most valuable possession. Never forget it! God bless you.